3 Ways To Get Your Spouse to Hear You

3 Ways To Get Your Spouse to Hear You

Recently I had a series of private phone sessions with a person who was very frustrated. Listen to how this person described their situation. I bet you’ll be able to relate to it.

This person said they felt trapped in their basement trying to communicate with their spouse via Morse Code. They said they were banging on the pipes trying desperately to be heard. They would bang on the pipes and wait for a response. Bang and wait…bang and wait…bang and wait. But each time they finished banging, there was silence. No matter how hard they banged and no matter how long they waited; their spouse never heard them.

𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗺𝗮𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗵𝘂𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗵𝗶𝗺𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳. 𝗢𝗿 𝗶𝗳 𝗵𝗲’𝘀 𝗮𝗹𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆 𝗺𝗮𝗱𝗲 𝘂𝗽 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁’𝘀 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿. 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲’𝘀 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗱𝗼 𝘁𝗼 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗵𝗶𝗺 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻’𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗵𝗶𝗺. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻’𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝗴. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻’𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗺𝗶𝘀𝗲𝘀. 𝗜𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗽𝘂𝘀𝗵 𝗵𝗶𝗺 𝗳𝘂𝗿𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝘆. 𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲.> 𝗖𝗟𝗜𝗖𝗞 HERE < 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗱𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗵𝗶𝗺. 𝗙𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗵𝗲 𝗔𝗟𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗗𝗬 𝗵𝗮𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂. 𝗧𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗵𝗶𝗺 𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗵𝗶𝗺 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗯𝗲𝗴𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗮 𝘀𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲.

Hi. My name is Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

Are you trying to get heard? Do you feel ignored? Is your spouse not responding to your communication?

We live in an interesting time. With one click, you can communicate with anyone in the world. It’s easy, quick, and free. You even have options. If you don’t want to click, you could dial, beep, page, instant-message, or Fed Ex. It’s true. Your ability to communicate with the outside world has become increasingly easy. But my guess is that your ability to communicate with your spouse has become increasingly difficult.

The reason for this is that most people confuse INFORMATION communication with PERSONAL communication. Technological advancements give us all sorts of options to communicate information. But how do you feel the pulse of someone’s soul? How do you communicate the subtleties in your heart? You can’t text message that. You can have the latest and greatest in communication gadgets, but it won’t matter. PERSONAL communication is a whole different ball game. And it’s PERSONAL communication that determines the success or failure of your marriage.

I’m reminded of a scene from a Broadway play. A man and woman happen to meet on a train and engage in polite conversation. They were both headed home to New York after a day in New Haven, CT. After further discussion, they learned that they were going to the same building on Fifth Avenue. Lo and behold they discovered that they had the same daughter and lived in the same apartment. They finally discovered that they were husband and wife.

You know what’s killing marriages these days? EMAIL! More and more I’m seeing husbands and wives resort to email to communicate with each other. You want to do something tangible TODAY to improve your marriage? STOP EMAILING YOUR SPOUSE! Email is for INFORMATION. But in a marriage you’ve got to HEAR each other. And I don’t mean hear the sounds of each other’s words. You’ve got to be able to hear the silence between the sounds and interpret the unspoken meaning of a pressed lips or teary eyes. You’ve got to be able to hear the shapes and sounds in each other’s heart. You can NOT accomplish this via email.

And let me be clear about something; you can’t do it with communication techniques either. There’s no clinical communication therapy that can help you and your spouse think each other’s thoughts, feel each other joy, and cringe from each other’s pain. My 1-on-1 phone session schedule and the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp are filled with casualties from traditional communication strategies and the usual marriage counseling approach. If you’re like most people with marriage trouble, you’ve been down that path and you know that it does NOT work.

Today my 4-year-old son came to me with a bruise on his leg. He was crying and I could see that it was black and blue. He said, “Daddy, I need a band-aide.”

I responded, “But it’s not bleeding.”

He said again, “Daddy, can you put a band-aide on it?”

I realized that my son’s perspective was that when something hurts a band-aide makes it better…even if it’s a bruise and not a cut.

So what does this have to do with communication in a marriage? Because most people think that if spouses aren’t hearing each other that communication techniques will solve the problem. But that’s like putting a band-aide on a bruise. It’s the wrong solution.

Communication techniques can help colleagues transmit INFORMATION clearly. Communication techniques belong in seminars that teach negotiation and sales. But you’re not trying to complete a transaction with your spouse; you’re trying to renew a relationship. I can almost guarantee you that your problem is not clarity; it’s concern. Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.

How do you get back to the place where you and your spouse care again?

This is one of the things that’s unique about the Marriage Fitness approach to repairing a relationship versus traditional counseling. Most approaches to marriage success preach communication skills. But communicating effectively will NOT create love in your marriage. In fact, the correlation is the opposite. Creating love in your marriage paves the way for effective communication. I’ll prove it to you.

Think about when you fell in love. How was your communication? Good, right? In fact, when you’re in love, you communicate with the wink of an eye and you can finish each other’s sentences. And yet you haven’t known each other that long and you haven’t learned any communication techniques.

Then, years later, after getting to know each other inside and out, employing psychologically tested and proven communication strategies, and taking into account all the differences between Mars and Venus, you can’t get through to each other.

Listen carefully: Communication has very little to do with techniques or knowledge of each other. It has everything to do with the depth of connection between the communicators.

The question you should be asking is NOT, “How do I communicate effectively with my spouse.” The question you should be asking is, “How do I connect with my spouse again?” Once you reconnect, you won’t be sitting in silence in the basement. You’ll hear the sound of the pipes from above. It’ll be your spouse. You were heard.

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